Not Quite What You Expected
by Palaskar ([email protected])

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Having trouble with this one, are we? I suppose I'm never going to be able to communicate with humans well. The curse, you know.

Well, let me explain my entries better.

Most of you reading this are familiar with the baseline universe. What's that? It's the messed up one. You know, Angel is this handsome tragic vampire, Willow is this shy redheaded hacker.

Now then, this is one of my -many- alternate universe travel notebooks. C'mon, I don't just sit around all day helping Slayers and vampires with souls. I go places.

Anyway, in this universe, the guy who looks like Angel is actually the shy hacker, Will O'Riley. And the girl who looks like Willow is actually, well this universe's analogue to Angel.

Okay? Now year one should be pretty normal.

Wait, what? I didn't introduce myself?

Of course I did. Check the Author's Note. It's me, Whistler, ya big dumb GAKKKK!

Ok, on with the story.
 

Year One
*From the diary of William 'Will' O'Riley, student at Sunnydale Community College

Dear Diary,

What a lousy day. First I still can't debug my senior project, then when I head over to Sunnydale High, Xander acts all wierd and insults me. Me! His oldest friend! So what if I hang out with high school kids? I never had a real adolescence. Grew up the too-bright kid, shy, awkward, shoved up a couple years in school. Of course it doesn't help matters that I'm several years older than him. But God! We've been best friends since he was a kid. I always thought of him as the brother I never had.

Still, it's good that she doesn't hate me. You know who I mean. B. So what if she's underage? So what if I lose the power of speech around her? I really think she feels some sort of attraction towards me. I mean, that time when people's nightmares started coming true, and I got caught in my shorts, out in the open, she just sorta stared...women never stare at me like that.

Look at me, all tragic. I should probably listen to some opera.

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*From the diary of Buffy Summers, 996th Slayer

Dear Diary,

Finally met the mysterious Angel today. Of course, she's a girl. I kinda wanted it to be, I dunno, some dark mysterious stranger who'd sweep me off my feet. 'Course that did happen, but not to me.

I was fighting these three vamps in an alley; big ones like Luke. I thought I was going to buy it. I told Xander to run, but the dumb guy goes all White Knight on me. Suddenly I see one of those little red laser dot thingys on the chest of one of the vamps, and he gets shot with a crossbow bolt, and explodes into dust. This girl jumps down off the roof of one of the adjacent buildings, while I take advantage of the distraction to stake another vamp.

I can get a good look at her once she's on the ground. A redhead, she's in this dark red sweater, with dark jeans, and low-heeled swashbuckler-type boots. It clashes with the studded glove on her left hand...and the crossbow/gun contraption in her right, which she's just dropped to yank a fireman's axe from a sling on her back. She then chops vamp #3 into teeny bits...well not -teeny-, but she chops. Issues? I'd say that's a given.

[Note to self: How'd she manage to jump off a two-story building and land unharmed? And why didn't she just shoot vamp #3?]

I thank her, and she looks at Xander, who's just smitten in puppy-dog love. She doesn't notice, or doesn't care, of course. At least that's what I -thought-, but, after the brief, "hey, how are you, thanks for saving my life, my name's Buffy, your name's Angel, yadda yadda," then she says, "I need someplace to crash." Xander pipes right up, and they walk away.

Where was I when they started handing out lives?

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*From the diary of Angelica 'Angel' Rosenberg

Dear Diary,

I can't believe I'm doing it again.

I saved the latest Slayer from the Three. With her, there's this...guy. He's so clueless, but in the good way. The way that gets you killed.

So I lie, and I say I need to spend the night somewhere. Of course he pipes right up. "You can crash at my place," he says. Oh yeah, I'll bet his parents'd love that, I thought.

I try and talk a little sense into him. "Kid like you shouldn't be alone at night," I say. He gets all defensive, and retorts, "I'm not a kid." I give him a good looking-over, up and down. He gets embarrassed, as I say, "No, I can see that." We don't say anything more until we get to his place.

Turns out his parents don't give a damn about him. The poor kid. Like all true guys, his room is a mess. I slip the harness off, and the sweater, so I don't have to sleep in the body armor...I told the kid to turn around, but well, he's a guy, he peeks, notices the tattoo. "Dolphins?" he asks. "Yeah," I say. I'm too tired for a how-and-why. I could do with a sip of the Stuff. But, wouldn't you know it, he's got his inquisitive little hands on the squeeze bottle. "Don't drink that!" I almost scream. He's all lighthearted and happy. "What is it?" he asks. "Some secret hooch that'll fry my brains?" He dances around in a totally uncoordinated manner. It's kinda fetching, actually. Then he sips.

"Hey..." he goes. "This is..." I finish his thought. "Blood. Vampire blood." Then he's all shocked and scared, and I think a bit turned on. I explain how it strengthens me, helps me heal. And...he just -accepts- it, like I could never lie to him or betray him. It makes me feel sorry for him again.

He offers me the bed, after joking that of course he'd much prefer to be it in -with- me. I don't respond to that, so after an uncomfortable silence we just bed down.

It was the best sleep I've had in months.

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*From the diary of Angelica Rosenberg

Dear Diary,

Damn it!

I got a visit from Darla when I got back to my safehouse. She reminded me of what I do. How much I like it. "You're not like other humans," she said. "It's part of why we got along so well."

I told her to go to Hell.

[Guess who's been supplying Angel with blood? Well, ok, half right. But she did need a big kick to survive that jump off the roof unharmed. Darla probably figures it's just fair coming to collect.

They were a family, you know. The four of them, Darla and Angel and...I think I should shut up now, because if you know more, it could wreck the timeline.]

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*From the diary of Will O'Riley

Dear Diary,

Boy, Xander sure can pick them. I ran a background check on Angel. *thunk* That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor.

Angelica Rosenberg. Wanted for a host of crimes, including, but not limited to, assault, aggravated assault, assault with a deadly weapon, armed robbery, grand theft. But most notably, she's wanted for spree killings of her parents and boyfriend in Texas. Said, and I quote, "Killing him was better than sex." Disappeared off the face of the earth 15 years ago.

She doesn't look a day older.

I tried to convince Xander of his monumental stupidity. But Buffy stands up for him, points out how Angel saved both their lives. Then Xander uses Xander-logic, which of course can explain anything. *sigh* I -tried- to explain Aristotlean syllogisms to him, honest.

Giles is taking the wait-and-see approach. It's probably the right one.

I hope.

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*From the diary of Angelica Rosenberg

Dear Diary,

Damn if things didn't go straight to Hell, just like I feared.

I'm in Xander's (that's the kid from the other night) house, saving him from becoming Darla's latest Slayer aggravation tool. That Darla. Nasty, ruthless, but not too smart.

So anyway, she runs away, and I'm left having a heart-to-heart with Xander.

I told him. I don't know why, maybe it was the awful reality of seeing him nearly drained, or maybe I just don't want another innocent involved in the mess that is my life. But I told him.

When he asks about me, about my past, I'm quiet at first, then I yell at him and say, "I killed my boyfriend. I -killed- my family. I took an axe, and I chopped them into bacon bits! C'mon, this is what you wanted to hear, right? Sweet Angelica is an AXE MURDERER!"

He just looks at me with these brown puppy dog eyes of me, a bit scared, but mostly caring. And he says, "I'm sorry Angel." And I let him hold me.

"Not quite what you expected, am I?" I say.

"No way," he jokes. "Haven't you seen -So I Married an Axe Murderer?- You're just the type."

"Axe murderer?" I reply bitterly.

"No, the kind a guy could marry," he snappily comes back.

The silence is enough to kill.

He notices the ring. Stupid of me to let it show.

"Boyfriend?" he asks. I tell him no, "It's more of a...betrothal ring." Damn if I didn't break his heart right there. I tell him I'm not seeing anyone, not like that. "Oh," he says. "So that was..." Then he has enough sense to let it go.

Later that night, Darla insists on playing Target Practice at this run-down nightclub on the outskirts of town. Xander insists on coming with me, to protect the Slayer, Buffy. He's going to get hurt one of these days. Darla's going to screw up everything, so I say, "Get out of here, Darla. Trouble's coming. The Master's going down."

She knows me well enough to tell when I mean business. But she's unsure, so she asks, "What about them?" So before anybody can do anything about it, I stab Xander with my boot knife, and say "They're mine." Then Darla smartens up and leaves. Of course, the Slayer wasn't too happy about it. But I tell her how I didn't hit any vital organs, how he'll be fine if she just gets him to the hospital soon.

Yeah. Fine. We'll both be just fine.

You only hurt the ones you love, right?

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*From the diary of Buffy Summers

Dear Diary,

Wow. What a day. First I gotta save the world. But, wouldn't ya know it, I have to die. Yeppers. Call the mortuary, reserve me a seat. I try to fight the prophecy, but you can't fight prophecies. They're worse than demons that way.

So I go out, and meet him, the Anointed One, and he takes me down to the Master. I'm ready for the fight of my life and scared out of my wits. I tried the crossbow, but the Master just catches the bolt. Then I can -feel- him in my head. I fought so hard. But it didn't do any good.

As he drains me, the Master tells me I'm the one who enables him to rise. To open the Hellmouth. To destroy the world.

Then he tosses me like a used Kleenex in a pool of stagnant water. I'm suffocating. Dying.

I'm in this place, not life, but not quite after it, and there's this beautiful feeling of goodness surrounding me. Not a light, like you hear all the time. Just a feeling. It's getting stronger, and stronger, as I feel myself draw closer to it...and I wake up, to have Will giving me mouth-to-mouth, with Xander working my chest. Angel's there, watching over us, crossgun thing ready.

I know what I have to do. I feel bad, in the way where you kick butt and take names. Nothing stops me as I confront Ol' Pointy Ears atop the library. He's surprised I'm alive, tries the Hypno Gaze. It's just a cheezy trick now. Effortlessly, I grab him by throat. I only need one hand to overpower him and send him crashing down through the skylight onto a broken table leg.

The death scene is pretty spectacular.

Afterwards, we had a big party.

And oh, everybody loved my dress.

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*From the diary of Will O'Riley

Dear Diary,

Wow, what a day.

First Xander tells me that he's going to tell Angel that he's madly in love with her. Anyone with half a brain could see that from the way those two act around each other, all sort of soft and quiet and intense. It's how I feel about Buffy, but she doesn't seem to know I'm alive.

Then later, Xander tells me that Buffy's gone to hell. "We have to save her!" I say, but Angel's there with Xander, trying to dissuade us. She explains how Buffy's only gone to the -mouth- of Hell, but that she's dead anyway, since she has to fulfill some ancient prophecy that destroys the world.

I'm not giving up. Not on her. Not ever. I pretty much grab the crossgun away from Angel and force her to lead us to the Hellmouth. She agrees, reluctantly, and I give her the crossgun back...she's much better with it than I.

We make our way down the sewers into deserted tunnels, which open into a gothic nightmare. At the center of it all is Buffy, resplendant in her gown, drowning in a pool of filthy water.

I don't even think as I begin CPR. Xander helps too; after all, he's the one who persuade me to take that lifeguard class with him so we could, and I quote, "Troll for babes."

Then like a miracle, Buffy's up and about. She looks like Moses come down from the mountain, seeing the Israelites worshiping the calf.

We make our way back up again. Vampires are being drawn magnetically to the library; Angel tells me it must be where the Hellmouth is forming. A vamp offers token resistance, but Buffy snaps his ankle like it was nothing, and he's down, helpless. Then she goes up on the roof of the library, and it's up to the Slayerettes to do battle with the coming horde. Plus, the Hellmouth is opening.

I save haughty Cordelia Chase from being sucked into the Hellmouth, which apparently is an actual demon, and very mean. Angel's firing bolts outside, when all of a sudden this vampire crashes down through the skylight to impale itself on a broken table. Streams of ebon tendrils fly away from the body, leaving nothing but bones.

The Buffy comes back down. "Nice dress," I tell her.

She thanks me, and everything is alright.

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*From the diary of Angelica Rosenberg

Dear Diary,

What a day. I have to go the mouth of Hell, but first, I break Xander's heart. Of course I couldn't let him have the opportunity to die happy. It'd break my streak.

See, he comes to me, all nervous and stammering, then blurts out how much he cares for me, how maybe we could go out sometime, "when I'm not off saving the world," etcetra, etcetra.

I never really heard much after he told me how much he cared.

I don't want to hurt him, so I hurt him. I tell him, "I'm not the sort of woman someone like you should be around." He protests, using what passes in his brain for logic. I insist, saying, "We can't...because we shouldn't. Bad things happen to people I love." Yeah. Bad things. Namely, me.

He just mopes off, sadness in his pup