Author's Note: Ok, some people are confused by now. So let me sum up the changes.
Angel is Willow.
Will is Angel.
Buffy is dating Oz.
Will is dating Cordelia.
Angel went postal after she thought Xander betrayed her and tried to kill Buffy and the Slayerettes. She did kill Giles, but Ms. Calendar is alive and well.
Buffy dusted Drusilla in retaliation. Spike escaped destruction with Angel's help; it was he who opened the portal to Hell to be with Dru. He was sucked into damnation after Angel shot him a dozen times.
Buffy declared her love for Will to bring him back from the brink of death after he was critically beaten by Spike while Will was trying to fulfill his destiny as the Quest Knight of Arthurian mythos by saving the world from Acathla.
Angel and Xander got together -- Xander even got a matching ring from Angel, but he had to shoot her to save Buffy. Angel was left with severe brain damage, "somewhere between a vegetable and a person." The mayor prevented the EMTs from telling Buffy and Xander about Angel's survival.
And now....prepare for confusion, because I guarantee you're not going to see the plot twist coming.
Copyright notice: 'Lullabye' copyright Shawn Mullins and his record label, whatever its name is. Modifications not intended for profit, defacement, or other bad stuff. Just for the hope of good storytelling.
-----
*Cordelia's diary
Dear Diary,
My life is perfect. A perfect mess.
I'm dating the hottest guy, in I don't know, the entire town, but I'm not going to be getting any. It is, well, -interesting-. I've really come to trust Will. I've told him stuff no other living soul knows about me, because we'd spend whole nights just talking.
Talking about how Daddy looks at me just long enough to place his Platinum Card in my hand, and kiss me goodbye for some meeting or other. Talking about how most of my so-called friends are really social vultures with the IQ of a spigot. Talking about these old, black-and-white movies that Will loves. They're pretty cool actually. Our favorite is the one with the Nazis and the club owner and the girl. I forget the name, but it's great. Tragic, but great.
Will's shown me so much about himself that I felt compelled to do the same. And for the first time, it's okay that I'm not getting any. Because I don't want our relationship to be just that. I want to really trust somebody, and Will happens to be that body.
Poor guy though, it must be killing him, with my hot bod and fashion sense and all. Maybe I shouldn't dress so nice....after all it's not his fault he's the Quest Knight and has to maintain a vow of chastity.
Vow of chastity. A more diabolical form of punishment was never invented.
-----
*Buffy's diary
Dear Diary,
Sometimes it's hard to tell who the real monsters are.
Take Sammy Zabuto, for instance. When he and Kendra finally arrived, to provide me with another Watcher, he's James Earl Jones in Darth Vader mode. Only not fat. I gave him the benefit of the doubt at first, but this week I caught him -caning- Kendra.
Apparently this is some big disciplinary tradition among Watchers. I started a new one and knocked Sammy unconscious.
It didn't help any that we thought Oz had escaped on a full moon night after we left Xander to watch him. I don't blame him, though. None of us could, not even Oz. I mean, he had to blow away his honey to save me. He hasn't gotten over it yet, just like I haven't gotten over Giles, really.
I wouldn't know what we would have done if we couldn't share the tragedy. Probably one of us would run away, and one of us would kill himself.
But everything's ok, relatively speaking. Oz isn't a murderer, it's this pal of his Pete who juiced himself up on Jekyll and Hyde serum. He'd been beating his girlfriend Debbie on a regular basis. I pointed this out to Sammy, and amazingly, he listened to reason without even checking the Slayer Handbook.
No more canings. Kendra's happy. I'm happpy. Oz is...well, dealing, Pete and Debbie were friends of his, and Petey kinda self-destructed from too much juice, but not before killing Debbie. But Oz is Mr. Cool, he can handle it.
Will and Cordelia...heh heh. Seems there's this interesting clause in being the Quest Knight that Ms. Calendar and Uncle Iggy (What is up with the fashion sense of Will's family? Electric blue Zoot suits went out in the Twenties!) forgot to tell Will about. Namely, a vow of chastity. No sex until marriage for Will. And no divorce afterwards. Or else the sword doesn't work until his son reaches the age of 21. Then Will Jr. becomes the Quest Knight.
I will never forget Cordy's face so long as I live. It looked like she had found a blemish the size of a small truck on her face.
Xander perked up. He said he got this call. He said it wasn't important,
but I could tell it was something. Not sure if it was good, but the next
day, he smiled for the first time in months.
-----
*From the diary of Jane Doe #7
Dear Diary,
My head feels like a giant sweater. Huge and fuzzy. And not in the good way, either. I mean, everything feels...I dunno, -different-. It looks like I've been in the hospital for weeks, maybe months.
Where is everybody? I know I'm not Ms. Popularity or anything, but Mom and Dad should be here. And Oz. And Xander. And Buffy. Heck, I'd be glad to see Cordelia rather than the doctor who visits every day. He looks at me funny. There is definitely something he's keeping from me.
I called Xander up. I'd have called Oz, but well, there's the brain damage, and I can't remember his number. And when I called home, I got a wrong number. But that's not the spooky part. When I said hi to him, Xander thought I was Angel! Wierd, even for him. And, and he sounded...I dunno, nervous. Like something incredibly awful had happened. But then the doctor took the phone away from me and started to talk to Xander with the phone in the other room.
I'm not worried, though. Xander's coming, and he'll explain everything. Well, he'll fumble, and I'll decrypt it, to get the explanation.
I know everything is going to be fine.
-----
*From the diary of Dr. Jane Petersen
Dear Diary,
Ms. Rosenberg's case is most unusual. I've never seen a recovery like hers from a head trauma that severe. Certainly her apparent addiction to norepinephrine was without medical precedent, as was her incredible recovery. It's amazing, really. She can speak well, and remember most things. But it's the things that she remembers that puzzle me.
[Non-med-student note: norepinephrine is the modern name for adrenaline.
It's why vamps are so fast and strong, and part of why they're so hard
to kill. It's also what Angel is really addicted to: the rush. She's a
lot like Willow that
way.]
One of her friends, a Mr. Alexander Harris, came to visit her today after she called him. I warned him that there had been extensive neurological trauma, but that she'd made a remarkable recovery. I was not, however, prepared for what was to come.
I'll try and present the whole situation as best I remember it.
The scene was pretty ordinary. Sunlight poured in through the window, giving the room a cheery glow that belied the seriousness of Ms. Rosenberg's condition. At least she seemed happy that he was coming.
He came in, knocking at the door in a fashion I'd call nervously playful. He had brought flowers. He said, "Angel?"
She looked at him as he put the flowers down, and said, "Nooooo...", grinning ear to ear. Funny thing. Mr. Harris went pale as a sheet then.
"So, uh, who are you, stranger?" he asked, trying to hide panic.
"Satan!" she chirped, and he very nearly jumped out of his skin. "It's me," she added quickly, "Willow." He looked at her strangely, like they had never met. "Willow Rosenberg. Your oldest friend in the whole world? 'Little buddy?' 'Bestest bud?'" She looked at him with hopeful eyes.
He just stood there, not saying anything.
"Doc," she asked, "is Xander ok? I mean, he didn't catch anything while I was, y'know, asleep?"
Before I can say anything, he jumps in. "Nono, I'm just fine. Peachy. Smelling like a rose."
"So what's new?" she asked. "Did Buffy save the world? Hmm, well, nevermind that now that I look around." She continued. "Did the spell work in time? Is Angel ok?"
He still stood there, again not speaking.
"Helllllo?" she asked. "You're awful quiet. Look, I know you and Angel never got along, but is he ok? Did I restore his soul in time?"
"Yeah," he said finally. "Angel, she's, he's just fine."
"So Buffy must be happy," she said.
"Buffy, yeah," he said. "She's still getting over what happened to Giles."
"Oh nooo!" she cried. "Did Spike hurt him?"
Again he's shocked into silence. I'd stop them, but my curiosity is piqued.
"No," he says. "Spike didn't hurt him."
"Then what happened to him?" she asked. He doesn't reply, and I can see the anguish in his face.
"He was killed," he said.
Silence filled the room. Then -- "Did we get whoever killed him? Were they punished?" she asked.
"I, I think so," he said. "We don't know for sure."
"I can't believe this. It's so sad, so wrong. At least he'll be with the woman he loved," she replied.
He made no motion to reply, so she asked another question. "Is everybody else alright? I mean, you don't look so good. Oz!" She suddenly looked worried. "Is he ok?"
"What about Oz? Why do you care about him so much?" he asked.
"Because he's my boyfriend, silly," she replied.
"I thought I was your boyfriend," he responded, seemingly automatically.
"Oh sure," she responded, playful and cynical at the same time, "but only when you want to cover up your inexperience."
"Inexperience?" he asked blankly.
"Virginity," she replied. "Though of course with you dating Cordelia you probably don't have to worry about that anymore."
"No," he replied absently, and for a change, she was silent.
"So," he asked, "how are you? Doc Petersen tells me there's some brain damage." His voice broke at the end.
"Yeah," she said. "I'm fine though, relatively speaking. I still can't do trig in my head like I used to, though, and sure, my head feels like a giant sweater, but I'll be back to my old self in no time." He looked incredibly worried then. How odd. "That's what they tell me, really."
"So...how long?" he asked.
"At this rate, they tell me it'll only be a month or two," she said.
"Maybe, maybe I should go," he said. "You need all the recovery time you can get."
"Xander?" she asked plaintively. "Stay? I haven't seen a friendly face in months." She motioned towards a chair and the room's TV set. "We can sit around and watch awful TV, just like we always did, before, y'know. Before."
He sits down on a chair near the bed. She put her hand over one of his. He held hers, and I left them alone. I never heard a thing out of them after that.
Now for the really interesting part. Mr. Harris told me afterward that this is not the girl he knew. Apparently she's manifested an entirely new personality in response to her trauma. He asked me if I knew how long it would last. I told him that, sadly, it's impossible to know such things.
"But with familiar surroundings and the encouragement of friends," I continued, "it might only take a few months to a year." Then -- this is among the oddest parts -- he asked me what would happen if she didn't have those things. "Then," I said, "it's likely she'll never recover, never be who she once was."
"Good," was all he said.
-----
*'Willow Rosenberg's' diary
Dear Diary,
Things sure have changed. It's like, like the world decided one day that it wasn't interesting enough, so it flipped and changed everything around, all while I was in the hospital.
It all started with Xander's visit today. He'd been hiding something from me, but I had no idea how much.
"So," I asked him, "you and Cordelia having fun?" Oh yeah, I bet they are. But...
"Oh yeah," he said. "We're just, just. Every night."
"Oh really?" I ask him.
"No," he says quietly. "GYAAAH! What -is- it with you? With me?"
"You never could keep a secret from me for long, even when we were kids," I remind him.
"Yeah, childhood, great time," he says. "You and me." Funny. He doesn't smile. He always smiles, but he's not, now.
"Remember the Barbie Doll Incident?" I ask.
"Oh yeah," he says. "Who knew they were flammable?"
I laugh. "And the nights you'd come over to my house, and we'd get all happy on cookie dough ice cream, and argue over what to watch, and stay up late until I fell asleep and you had to put me to bed?"
He looks at me funny. "Oh yeah. Sure I remember. And our first date...boy, was that a -- "
"Xander?" I ask. "What are you talking about? You never took so much as a second look at me in our entire lives. Romantically speaking, of course."
That look again.
"Well, there was that time. That dance, y'know."
"The Eighth Grade Cotillion?" I ask. "Xander, I never knew you thought of that as a date. I mean, you totally ignored me. Except for the dance at the end." I think of it fondly, as I get hit by the romantic equivalent of a low-yield fissile device.
"Yeah," he says. "That dance. You were so beautiful."
He didn't just say that. No. Because that would make this the Twilight Zone.
"You didn't just call me beautiful, did you?" I ask. "And even if you did, that would be in the past, where we were both..." what's the word, argh my brain hurts, "unattached. Yes. Very unattached. As opposed to now. Where we are both attached, and happy. Apart. Happy and apart."
And he's just staring at me. He leans over, gets closer, and then he kisses me. "I don't know how I managed without you," he says, sitting back. "I don't think I could've taken this apartness thing anymore. How about you?" He smiles.
"But, but!" I stammer. "Cordelia!"
"She's a nice girl," he says. "But really, she's found someone else."
"And, and!" My head hurts! Why can't I remember his name?! "My boyfriend! Oz!"
"Oz has kinda moved on too," he says, and he's leaning over again, and this has gotta be one of my Xander dreams, because my life is never like this....
I should feel guilty. We had two perfectly happy relationships. But I don't think about this, or anything, as he kisses me.
If this is a dream, don't wake me up.
-----
*Buffy's diary
Dear Diary,
I am possessed. I am Possessed Slayer Girl. 'Cause I have just snuck behind the back of the nicest guy in the world to be with Will O'Riley.
Will...oh God. I mean, I love him. I didn't want to admit it, but I love him. With all my heart. Except there's Cordelia. Not that I couldn't handle her, if it came to a fight, but I just couldn't hurt Will that way. Especially not after the Raincoat Incident....how can he even look at me, much less -- much less tell me he loves me?
See, he had come over to pick me up for the Homecoming dance. Oz had to set up early for the band, so he couldn't take me, Mom fears the combination of me and driving, and Cordelia was insisting on a limo, of course, which meant that 1) I'm limo-less, due to -someone's- influence with the local limosine co., and 2) Will has a teeny-tiny window to pick me up, drop me off, and come back for Cordy -- which was all part of Cordy's Master Plan to win the crown, if you ask me.
So anyway, he comes over, and he's still not dressed, 'cause hey, it's Will, he has no fashion sense and an even smaller ability to tie a bow tie. So I help him, as he's fixing my corsage, and we're just sort of drawn together, like opposite poles on a magnet. And we kiss.
I mean, KISS, like stars in your eyes and loss of balance and all those things.
Then we come to our senses. Because Will is, y'know, honorable, and he doesn't do stuff like this. And me, well, I don't like Cordy, but I just can't do this to Oz. It'd be evil. So we talk along those lines and then there's the magnet thing again....I tell him he can come to my window after I finish patrols.
Oz must never know. Definite with the not-knowing. Only -- he wrote a song for me. A really good one.
Argh. Possessed Slayer Girl.
-----
*Will's diary
Dear Diary,
I am a philandering lech and deserve eternal damnation.
But for all that, I really don't care. So what if I'm two-timing Cordelia? Buffy and I kissed. I mean, KISSED. A classic, old-fashioned, romantic movie kiss. I even had to pull her up and close to me a bit, because of our height difference. Heaven.
No. I cannot do this. I'm the Quest Knight for God's sake. I have a vow of chastity to obey. I have to keep myself mystically pure until marriage. I have to see Buffy again tonight after she's finished patrolling. Argh.
And the saddest part is, I really think I do care for Cordy. She's nice, deep down. She has this hidden side. Honest to God. Cordelia Chase is an actual person when she doesn't have anybody to perform for. And she's really sweet, fragile even. I don't think she'd recover if she found out I was cheating on her, especially with Buffy, whom she despises.
I just hope this turns out alright.
-----
*Oz's diary
Dear Diary,
Buffy was so bummed at the Homecoming dance. Even sadder than when I first saw her. I know she's been through a lot; we all have. But when she looked at me...man. So, I dunno, wistful. And all of a sudden, the pieces in my head started to fit, and that song I've been working on just fell into place. Everything worked out like it was planned or something, you know?
So, I pulled her sad self up on stage with me, and sang. Lemme write it all down before my mind goes. I think it's pretty good, actually.
She grew up all too fast and all too soon;
Living in a dark night, coming from a bright noon;
Through the troubles, she carries everyone,
And when she's dead, then she knows she's done.
Even in a crowd, she's standing alone;
I know deep down she wants to cry, to just go home.
So before she hangs her head to cry
I sing to her a lullaby.
Everything is gonna be alright,
Rockabye, rockabye.
Everything is gonna be alright,
Rockabye, rockabye.
She has the prettiest eyes...
They'd be even prettier if she smiled.
'Cause even her smile looks like a frown,
She's seen her share of devils in this angel town.
Everything is gonna be alright,
Rockabye, rockabye.
Everything is gonna be alright,
Rockabye, rockabye.
I told her, 'It's hard to smile in this place,'
'It's a town full of sadness, with a false face.'
'Seems like things are going wrong, and I don't know what to do,'
'But right now, right here, I wanna be with you.'
Everything is gonna be alright,
Rockabye, rockabye.
Everything is gonna be alright,
Rockabye, rockabye.
Everything is gonna be alright,
Rockabye, rockabye.
Bye-bye...bye-bye.
Devon tells me it's my best work. Buffy seemed to like it. She smiled that half-smile of hers, and for now, everything is really is alright.
Funny. Now that I think of it, the song reminds me of Angel. Those eyes, that smile. How could someone so beautiful be so evil?
Something's wrong here and I don't know how to fix it.
-----
*Cordelia's diary
Dear Diary,
This day has been exactly the last thing I've expected.
Will and I are talking with Oz in the student lounge, when all of a sudden Oz freezes like a deer caught in the headlights. "We have a problem," he says, and points behind us.
"Hi guys," comes a girl's voice from behind me. "Miss me?"
It's Angel.
My first thought is, 'Oh god, oh god, I'm dead-dead-dead.' Then I start thinking, because, hey, I'm not dead yet. I grab the cross from my bag and thrust it in Angel's face, saying something cheesy and totally uncool.
She was smiling, but recoils at the sight of the cross. Then -- this is the start of the freakiness -- she gently takes it out of my hand. She asks, "Cordelia? What are you doing?"
"She's not a vampire," Will points out. Angel does a double take at the sight of him.
"What are you doing here?" she asks.
"That's my line," he says. Then he tells me to get his sword. I hesitate, then run.
When I get back, Angel is trying to get all friendly with Oz. Some women! He's doing a great job of not panicking, considering what she was going to do to Xander. And what she did to Giles. I catch the end of their conversation....
"I just don't want to hurt you," she says.
Will's all skeptical, which would probably make him Angel's next target, so I toss him the sword. It does this funny thing where it's -pulled- into his hand, and starts to glow. Then he gets all White Knight. I've grown to like it. He looks...dashing is the word, I think.
Then Buffy tackles Angel, and Will insists on keeping Angel alive. Chivalry can be such a drag.
-----
*Oz's diary
Dear Diary,
Life's kinda strange. Especially in Sunnydale.
I'm chilling with Will and Cordy in the student lounge, when all of a sudden I spot Angel coming towards us. My first thought is, 'How can she be alive?' My second thought is, 'How are we going to -stay- alive?'
I warn Will and Cordelia. Cordelia sorta panics, she tries to fend off Angel with a cross. Of course it doesn't work. Angel's human, just souped up on vampire blood. Giles explained how it worked to me once, but I never thought how it worked was important, compared to the reality that she could walk into any of our homes and kill us in our sleep.
But she likes to deceive her targets, get them to let their guard down. She's Miss Evil Genius, but also Miss Perfectionist. That's why most of us are still alive. Hopefully I can use that knowledge so that it stays that way.
I figure if we can distract her until Cordelia comes back with Will's sword, we have a chance. A good thing that she decides to talk to us, instead of using us as skeet targets.
"What's with her?" Angel asks. "When'd you get a sword?"
What game is she playing now?
"Nothing!" Will replys nervously. "It's a present. For you."
Will is not the most eloquent of speakers in stressful situations.
"Shouldn't something like that really be for Buffy?" Angel asks.
"You're not going to give it to her, are you?" I ask cautiously. 'Giving' in this case would probably mean impalement.
"Noooo," she goes, acting puzzled. "I mean, I'm glad that she's happy, but I'm not the one that's in love with her."
"So am I," I say. "It's hard to find the right person these days. She really is a great girl."
She acts confused, pauses, and then..."You left me for Buffy?" Angel asks, voice rising. Man, some days you just walk right into trouble. But how can you understand the reasoning of a psychopath?
I must've looked spooked, because then Angel acts all friendly again. The better to get our guard down, I suppose. "Oz, I know you've moved on. I just want to make sure there're no bad feelings between us," Angel said.
"No more than usual," I say.
"So we can still be friends?" she asks, and smiles in the prettiest way. No. I am not attracted to her. She's the exact opposite of the girl I want. So I tell her, "Not to antagonize you or anything, but we were never all that close."
She reaches out a hand for me, and I have to admit it, I was a little scared. You can't trust Angel, experience proves it. And then she puts that hand on my shoulder, smiles at me again, and I just melt.
"I just don't want to hurt you," she says. Will snorts involuntarily. Angel looks at him, eyes sharp. Then Cordy's back with the sword.
The blade practically leaps into Will's hand as he moves to cover Angel. "I may have to obey the code of chivalry with women," he says, "but I'm not going to let you hurt anyone. Not again." The blade is glowing and at Angel's throat.
"Angel," she asks Will, "what are you doing?"
I think I speak for everyone involved when I say a big 'Huh?' was our first reaction.
Our second reaction was to stop Buffy from tearing Angel limb from limb after Angel got tackled.
-----
*Buffy's diary
Dear Diary,
Karma can be such a bitch.
You think that The Powers That Be are going to let me and Will enjoy our time together. And hey, Slaying's been easy after Acathla. Kendra wouldn't even be here if it weren't for me 'needing' Sammy.
But you know, you're never ready for the big surprises in life.
Case in point: I'm chatting with Xander as we walk down the halls, when I see Will with the sword out and glowing. Oz and Cordy are with him. And ANGEL is too.
Somehow, she survived that gunshot to the head by Xander. Hey, that's OK. Now I get to show her what happened to Giles. I wonder, does the head really think on after decapitation? Because I really want her to see herself before she's damned.
I tackle her, and start sloooowly unscrewing the neck socket. Then -- wackiness.
"Buffy." she gasps. "Why?"
"Giles," I say. Then Xander's doing some funky thing to my fingers to get me to let go. "It's not her!" he's yelling. "It's not Angel!" Will's trying to stop me too, mouthing words about honor and decency.
If they were anyone else...I let 'Angel' go. She stays on the floor, coughs, rubs her neck. I realize that practically the whole school is staring. I yell at them, and they scurry. Except for the Slayerettes, of course. I need my backup, right?
"So who is she?" I ask Xander.
"I'm Willow," she says, still on the floor. "Willow Rosenberg. I was one of your best friends, but apparently not anymore." She smiles this saccharine smile, this weak little girl smile, and it's all I can do not to kill her.
"You can't expect us to buy this," I say. Then Xander hauls us away. Will insists on staying to cover her.
"There's been some brain damage," Xander says.
"Like there wasn't before?" asks Cordelia. He gives her a withering look.
"She's invented this entirely new personality," he says. "She thinks she's a high school student, and our friend. The doctor says that so long as she isn't reminded of who she was, she could stay like this forever."
"Oh come on," I say. "It's another one of her games. You'd have to be a complete idiot to fall for this." Then I give him a good look. He really does believe it. "Not that you're a complete idiot," I add quickly. Just in matters of love.
Look who's talking.
"The doctor did brain scans and all sorts of funky stuff," Xander says. "She's not acting."
"Angel's very resourceful," says Oz. "She might be able to do it."
"Besides, what kind of a name is Willow?" asks Cordelia. "That's a tree, not a name."
Oz coughs. Cordelia doesn't notice, of course.
"C'mon guys," Xander pleads. "Please. I've never felt about anyone like I do her. You gotta give her a chance. Give us a chance."
We're still thinking it over silently when 'Willow' comes over, Will still covering her discreetly. "So. Guys." she says. "Is everything ok between us?" She gulps nervously. Funny, for a moment she really did look like someone else.
"Sure, 'Willow,'" I say. If she thinks I think, then I have the advantage. She runs up to group hug us, and I have to try very hard again not to kill her. Xander's happy. Everybody else just plays along.
"Just like old times," she says.
Let's hope not.
-----
*Buffy's diary, again
Dear Diary,
It's funny, but I don't feel so bad anymore.
It all started with me grabbing Will to check out Angel's old safehouse. I figured that she'd be hiding all her secrets there.
We got in easy enough. Will, being the resident hacker, tried to decode the pass-number to Angel's keypad lock. I took the direct approach and hotwired it. Okay, after getting impatient and smashing the keypad.
Anyway, I took a look around as Will went for Angel's computer. "Funny," he said. "She only has a basic password protection scheme on her files. I got past it in about a minute."
So we're playing inspector, and wouldn't you know it, Angel's got this huge file on Xander. Background, social security, everything. There's one for all of us, even Ms. Calendar, who belongs to the Order of the Knights of the Temple of the Holy Sepulchre, and Will's Uncle Iggy, who is apparently actually some ancient demon sent down (up?) to fight for Good. Seems we're not the only ones with a secret.
Can you say, 'Betrayal,' boys and girls? Good. Now can you say, 'Butt-kicking?', because Angel's in for a serious one. And Jenny and Iggy are going to have a little talk with Will and me.
That's about when the safeguards kicked in, the front door locked itself, and we got trapped. I tried to break down the door, but it's solid steel. Will tried to hotwire it and got shocked. I thought he was dead for a moment, so I started mouth-to-mouth, only to have him start kissing me.
"Not the time," I reminded him.
We started searching Angel's apartment for a way out. I found her weapons locker, but it was mostly bare. We got most of her stuff when she tried to kill me the first time. The only things left were an oversize shotgun and a big iron staff.
We try the staff on the door. Surprise! The door's electrified after Will's little lockpicking attempt. At least I took it better than he did.
Next up we looked for a hidden access. Anybody as devious as Angel has to have at least one. Unfortunately, people as devious as Angel also hide things real well. We can't find it.
So we end up sitting on Angel's bed, talking, and waiting to be rescued. Will starts to worry. He's thinking this could all be a trap, for us, or for our friends. I reassure him. He's tense, so I start massaging his back, and then hello! It's magnet time.
After awhile I realize that Oz and Cordelia are staring at us. Angel and Xander are there too, as are Ms. Calendar and Uncle Iggy. Nobody looks particularly happy.
No happy endings this time. I wonder if there ever are.
-----
*Will's diary
Dear Diary,
I have done evil, and no good has come of it.
It started innocently enough. Buffy and I are doing a little field work on Angel. We check out her apartment. Turns out she's been stalking all of us even Ms. Calendar and Uncle Iggy -- who apparently are a Templar and demon, and have been involved in my life since birth without me knowing it.
I must've tripped an X-10 trigger or something, because all of a sudden, the steel door to the apartment shuts itself, and we're trapped. Buffy tries forcing the door. I try picking the lock. Both earn us electric shocks, although I nearly got Buffy to rescuitate me. Then she noticed I was kissing back.
Not that we didn't end up kissing, because when I started worrying, she started rubbing my shoulders, and I just swept her into a kiss. It's a good thing everybody interrupted us, because we were right there on Angel's bed and I really don't know if I could've done the honorable thing this time.
Oz and Cordy. Oz didn't say anything. Neither did Cordy, which was the scary part. She always says what's on her mind. This time, Xander had to grab her by the shoulder before she ran out of there.
I'm such a slime.
It's when I noticed Uncle Iggy and Ms. Calendar that Buffy dropped the real bomb. "Angel's faking," she said. Xander denied it, Uncle Iggy gave us one of his "I knew it" looks, and Ms. Calendar just looked thoughtful. But Angel...Angel kept looking around, and Oz finally snapped out of his reverie to say, "We should never have brought her here." She looked at him, grasping her head, and collapsed.
Xander immediately caught her. "Willow?" he said. "Come on, wake up."
"Xander?" Angel said. Then she started to cry.
"Hey there," he said. "Everything's going to be fine."
"No it's not," she said. "Because I remember everything." She sagged into his arms, sobbing like a child.
"What do you know," said Uncle Iggy.
"She's...she wasn't faking? The brain damage, artificial personality thing was for real?" asked Buffy, unbelieving.
"But, the files!" I say. Ms. Calendar's in the other room and checking them. She points out the timestamp. They haven't been updated since last school year.
"I should have known she was going to fall apart after her reaction to seeing me," Ms. Calendar said. We had a heck of time explaning how she was alive and Giles wasn't. Apparently, in Willow's imaginary little universe, Jenny gets killed by Angel -- who looks like me -- and Giles lives. We eventually made something up about divine intervention, and Giles heroically exchange his life for hers. It _seemed_ like a reasonable explanation at the time.
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*Buffy's diary
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I'm the big hero, but I've never felt so alone and confused.
I wish Giles were here. He always knew what to do. Delve into the black arts, open a musty tome.
I hate her I hate I hate her But Xander -loves- her. And I don't think I could do that to the one real friend I've got left.
Will won't speak to me. I love him. He loves me. But we did the wrong thing, and now we have to pay. At least that's what Sammy told me.
It wasn't wrong! It was right, I know that now! And I don't give a damn about what Fate or Destiny or God wants; I -know- it was right.
How can I be punished for doing the right thing?
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*Will's diary
I am so sorry. I got a 740 verbal and still I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel around Cordelia. She won't talk to me. She's never done that. We've always been able to talk; it had been -- us. We're the Ones Who Talk to Each Other.
I don't know how to make it right. She's so fragile, and I just broke her, just to get what I wanted. It was wrong, I know that. Please God, she doesn't deserve this. She's not like me or Buffy, she's just an ordinary person and her life shouldn't be screwed up just because the Quest Knight isn't quite up to par.
I haven't prayed in years, but I'm praying now, as I write this. Make this a kind of prayer. Let some good come of this. Please.
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*Oz's diary
WHY?
I just don't get it.
I loved her. I still do. I'd give my life if it meant she could just, just y'know, be normal and happy. And I thought she loved me. But when I asked her, "Do you love him?" she just looked away. The girl who faced down vampires and demons and death, and she can't look at me. To think I wrote a song about her.
Funniest thing. We've got 26 offers on the table, from 26 labels, thanks to that one song. Devon's practically stoned he's so happy. I should be too. This is my dream. This is what I've wanted ever since I learned to play.
This isn't what I wanted. Not really.
I just wanted to meet a nice girl and fall in love. Not even settle down or have kids, unless she wanted to. I'm not asking that much. Just to meet somebody who could care about me like I cared about her, and fall in love.
Maybe that's the problem. I never asked for forever.
But I want it.
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*Cordelia's diary
Hey. Diary. Life's a real bitch, huh? I mean, sure, it's not exactly a status killer to get dumped by the hottest guy in town -- I've been told these things happen -- and Heaven forbid if it was someone uncool instead -- but y'know, I don't give a damn about social status right now. Not a dram.
I keep running the whole thing through my head. How could he? He's, like, the most noble guy on the entire planet. He's the Quest Knight, for God's sake! Doesn't he realize that being with Buffy kinda jeopardizes the entire world? I mean, who'll find the Grail?
And I trusted him. He knows things about me -- I shudder at anyones else learning them. But even after I harangue him in public about what a happy, normal childhood he did -not- have -- thanks in good part to myself -- he doesn't react. He, he just sits there and -takes- it. I wish he would hate me so I could really hate him back. Not that I don't now, mind you, but it'd make everything easier. Simpler. Clearer.
Would it be asking too much for this world to make sense for once? I mean, not the demons and the Hellmouths, but the game of musical psycho lovers that seems to be going on. I mean, -I- make sense. I say what I mean, I mean what I say. Things would be a whole lot better if the world were like that. No secrets, no shadows.
No dreams, maybe.
It'd be worth it. Just barely.
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*Angel's diary
I had finally decided on what to get everybody for Christmas. Not that I'm big on Christmas, being Jewish and all -- though sometimes I do party a bit just to spite the memory of my parents -- but I figure they deserve a happy ending.
Everything's ready, and perfect, and then Xander has to show and screw up everything.
Can't I even kill myself in peace?
One moment I've finished tying the rope to the exposed pipe in my safehouse, and I step up on the chair, and Xander walks in on me like it's his cue or something! He tackles me, and we land together on the cold floor in a tangle of limbs.
Naturally, I'm pissed. "Xander," I tell him, "don't try to stop me. It'll be better like this, I know it will." He just shakes his head. No.
My God, his grasp of tactics is so awful. "Don't you see?" I say, trying to reason with him. "It's only a matter of time before I wack out again and kill somebody." I touch his face. "Somebody close."
He doesn't budge, argument-wise, as we get up. "I don't care," he says.
"Well I do," I say. And it's true. "Don't you see? I can't stand the thought of hurting you again." I try not to cry, and fail.
"And this -- this won't hurt me?" He looks at me, aghast.
"It's better than you ending up dead," I say. I harden my face with resolve. "You can't stop me."
Then he pulls out the gun. My Glock. The one he shot me with. "Right between the eyes," I say as I get closer to him, close enough to kiss. "Quick and painless." I should close my eyes; I've always been scared, deep down, of death; but if there's anything I'd like see before I die, it's the smile in his eyes.
"It's not for you," he says.
"What?" I ask, dumbfounded. Then for the first time in fifteen years, I see something that truly scares me.
Xander flicks off the safety, and points the gun to his head.
"If you're going, I'm coming with you," he says.
I beg and I plead and I reason and I rant, but he's got a will of iron. Of diamond. And I can't die, not even for him, if it means he'll die too. I'd give up my life for him; I'd live my life for him; I'd even lie straight-faced to him and let him go if it meant he would go away from me and be safe and happy. But I can't bear to hurt him like that. Like this. So i just hold him close, and say something I never say, but that he's said to me again and again.
"I love you."
He smiles. Haven't seen that in months. Not the real-Xander kind. "I love you too," he says.
"You know this means we'll have to pick out a new Christmas present for the gang," he say