Topics:
Chemistry
Compatibility
Complementarity
'Not good enough' syndrome
How fickle the human heart
Are there such things
as Soulmates?
So what IS Love? Another view
When Bad is Good and Good
is Bad
Topics:
Chemistry
Compatibility
Complementarity
'Not good enough' syndrome
How fickle the human heart
Are there such things
as Soulmates?
So what IS Love? Another view
When Bad is Good and Good
is Bad
Ah yes. Willow and Xander. Just when you think they're not going to get together, they do. But they really don't like each other that much, compatibility-wise. No. They have friendship. They have chemistry. They are probably not going to get together until Joss figures he doesn't have any other way to torture us with them. I figure this is going to take about 10 years or so.
I'd beat Joss senseless for this if he wasn't, oh, about 10 times the writer I am right now.
I mean, this whole 'Homecoming' bit raised a ton of emotions in me that I thought I had long managed to bury. Fortunately, I can manage. This page is part of the ongoing attempt to manage those emotions.
Why'd I have to fall in love anyway?
Oh well. It's not like it's the end of the world, even though it felt like it.
*Sigh* I guess I ought to figure a way to get Willow and Xander together in a fanfic, and still remain true to the timeline and characters. And not have the whole thing suck.
And while I'm at it, why not write the Great American Novel?
*Savage grin* Who says I can't?
Okay, enough introspection. Time for the meat of the page. So this is how love works...I think.
Chemistry is your basic 'love at first sight.' Science tells us it's basically caused by pheromones and good looks or symmetry and proportion. Psychology tells us that there's a bit more; that every person supposedly builds an image of their ideal mate in their head, from all the parts of all the people they've loved...the closer the object of one's affections fits, the more intense the initial attraction.
There's also the whole flirting game. Courtship among people is apparently a lot like that of animals when it comes to basic signals. You know, for women, it's things like the hair flounce, and the playful giggle, and for guys it's these grand arm motions and chest puffs. It's this whole genetically based thing that's universal to all humans. There's not much thought involved, except as an end to seduce. So, basically, chemistry is what you really want.
Compatibility is what most people take as an indicator of romantic potential. The more two people have in common, the same likes, the same dislikes, the better they'll get along. Most romances seem to take place on this basis, so I'd say it's the basis for true love.
There's also the issue of personality or likeableness. After the inital physical attraction wears off, people turn on the charm. Humor, creativity, empathy all play a big part. I've read that once people reach the 'compatibilty' stage, they stop being all starry-eyed and star to consider their beloved more rationally. But charm seems to play a big role, more so than the 'good enough' syndrome.
Basically, compatibility is what your rational mind thinks you want and need. Certainly this is true for that interlude between when you first meet them and when you've been with them for awhile, but otherwise I subscribe to the Seinfeld theory on compatibility -- "She's just like me! It's too much!...I should have gone with the opposite!"
Complementarity is the basis of friendship in most eyes, and the truest indicator for the stability of real-long term relationships -- say more than two or three years. Compatible people are opposites who fit together; they don't clash, but they don't have that much in common. Actually, it's been my rather limited experience that they have exactly one, extremely dear and deeply held thing in common, and everything else is basically the opposite. For example, all my best friends, both male and female, have been extroverts, as opposed to my introversion -- but we all shared a deep ability to feel things, sensitivity if you will. In my eyes, complementarity is what you really need, in order to grow.
It's been noticed that if you keep two people together long enough, they start becoming complementary -- the old 'owners who look like their pets' gag. This is likely how arranged marriages work; you don't begin in love, but you grow that way.
I am firmly convinced that love in relationships is not about what we want, or what we think we want, or what we ought to have, or what's 'right' for us. I speak from personal experience when saying that you can't rationally choose real love. You can try to fall in love with someone who you think is right for you, but it doesn't seem to work, unless you take extreme measures -- arranged marriages are the best example. Put two people together long enough, and they'll start liking each other, if they don't hate each other first.
No, love is about what we need. Thus, studies indicate that complementarity -- closeness and friendship -- is the surest indicator of long-term happiness.
I recently commented to one of my therapists (yes, I have more than one, fear me) that I couldn't understand why love was so fickle. You know, fall in love, fall out of love...each time you think she's the one, but no....
He gave me a particularly philosophical response. It's not that we fall in love with the person, he explained, it's that when we fall in love, we are love; there is no seperate person. It's a divine, transcendental experience; it's a kind of psychotic episode; it's the sight of God, reflected in the mirror of the beloved. So when we fall in love with someone else, it's just that the reflection of God has shifted, not that anyone has changed.
Are there such things as Soulmates?
I really don't know. I've never been as close to anyone as Willow and Xander are to each other. The idea of someone who's your perfect -complement- is very appealing, though. I bounced this idea through some numerological and astrological tests.
Results for my soulmate and I:
Astrological compatibility:About 90%
Numerological compatibility: 2.92 out of 5.00 (58.4%)
What does this mean? I'd say it means you make your destiny; there are people who would be better or worse for you, but a lot depends on how you look at it. Interestingly, though my soulmate and I scored an average of 2.92 out of 5.00 numerologically, the 'Emotional Compatibility' score was 5 of 5 for her and me.
There's hope yet.
I've read one thoery that posits that love has three components: Passion, Emotional Intimacy, and Commitment. Passion is lust, 'wanting', and all that; there's tons of energy involved, a crazy kind of high generated. Emotional Intimacy is what most people would call trust; being able to talk about anything openly and honestly with the other, being able to forgive the other's transgressions. Commitment is being protective and loyal; there's a feeling of 'home' around the other. (Btw, Teri Leigh has a excellent fic called "Coming Home" that'll hopefully deal with this. You should be able to find it floating around.)
It's interesting to note how these three facets correspond to the three types of love and the three stages of a relationship. In the beginning, there's Passion and Chemistry. In the middle, Emotional Intimacy and Compatibility becomes an issue. Towards the end, Commitment becomes strong, and the lovers become more Complementary.
If I may be allowed to slip into W/X mode for a moment or three, one notices that they pretty much had all three, from "Homecoming," up until the episodes "The Zeppo," and "Consequences." But nevermind those episodes. What I want to know is, WHY DIDN'T THEY GET TOGETHER? In a word, GUILT.
They were too guilty about doing the wrong thing and going behind their -friends' backs, too worried about how much they would hurt their -friends if they found out, that the whole thing became "a giant meteor shower heading towards Earth," to use Willow's words.
I guess they never really realized how good they had it. Willow was in it for the dangerousness of the affair, and Xander...well, I think he got it, but he didn't want it, 'cause of the GUILT. "God, I wish I wasn't so attracted to you." -- Xander, on asking to kiss Willow's ear
When Bad is Good and Good is Bad
See, What's Right -- I use Capitals because I mean Right in the ultimate and objective sense; The Greater Good -- isn't always what's 'right.' Here by 'right' I mean what feels right, what's good for you.
Rebecca Carefoot makes a good case in her fic, "Musical Chairs," that sometimes it's best to follow our hearts, even though we will hurt people we love in the process. To quote an episode of -Ally McBeal-, "Imagine if you -had- married him, and he told you -then- that he didn't love you?"
That's my big case with "Homecoming"; unlike Xander, I -didn't- do the 'wrong' thing, for the exactly parallel reason that she who I now believe to be my soulmate was involved with someone else. And I never looked back on it as a mistake until that episode. Then...BAM! I get these shooting pains from my left foot up diagonally to my right arm. (Interestingly, this corresponds to the most Yin place on the body to the most Yang, according to Traditional Chinese Medicine. Check out the Mysticism and Martial Arts page!)
And then I realized I fell in love with her, way back when.
So I got all angsty and romantic, tried to find her, failed repeatedly, and am now patiently awaiting Destiny.
There's a saying among the Asian Indians -- y'know the guys on the Subcontinent -- that to properly practice ahimsa, or unconditional love, you must apply it to yourself as well as to others.
Sometimes, I guess, you ought to do the wrong thing, just because it makes you happy.